Saturday, December 31, 2011

2 months

9 weeks

63 days

1512 hours

each are the amount of time i have been without Him.

tiny bits of light are just beginning to return to my days.
my ears are beginning to hear music again.
my voice has begun to sing-a-long occasionally to the music my ears are hearing.
i have had one full day without tears. i felt shocked when i realized it.
one day i found myself smiling at something and as real laugh escaped from my lips.
i know these things will continue to happen,
along with other little glimpses of rejoining the world.

i still miss Him like crazy.
i still think 'I need to talk to Him about this or that.'
i still long to hear His voice, feel His touch, look into His eyes.

i understand these things may not change for a very long time.
but maybe just maybe life is beginning to return to me
which is the very thing He would want for me today,
and always.

Friday, December 30, 2011

her angels

“ this was a new twist of the road.
such a dark and complicated twist.
she could think of only one kind of guide
to lead her thru -
she called on her angels
and leaned heavily on their wings. ”

~terri st. cloud

Thank you Terri.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

listening to Keith Richards 'Life',
she mourns not being able to call Him.
she longs to talk with Him about a
story she just heard about Keith and
his relationship with Mick.

she misses Him on this two month anniversary of His passing...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

the task

“to take the sadness
that haunted her
and give it a job-
to grow her heart,
to teach her to truly love -
both others and herself -
that was her task at hand.
they would never know.
but she would
and that's why she'd do it.”

~terri st. cloud

Sunday, December 25, 2011

i always cry when i hear this song,
even when it's sung in a language
i do not speak or understand.
beautiful, simply, beautiful.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

there were so many things we shared and loved on this day.

but i found myself wondering what might make me smile today as i remember all our years together. what did we share that not everyone got. what was the thing that we shared from the very beginning. the thing where we could look into each others eyes with the knowing of knowing each other because of it?

i know this is so not romantic to the rest of the world but has always been sacred to us...

Trim a Tree with Dr. D (Dr. Demento).
and especially when decorating the tree!

today as i listened to the first installment of the season

(aired on Dec. 10, 2011 with three more to follow)
i found myself smiling and knowing He is still with me.
He is with me in 10,001 ways everyday.
i only need to be open to seeing Him, feeling Him
and embracing Him.

Merry Christmas, Baby,
i feel you,
i love You,
Your forever angel girl.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Even from here i can see the gates closing on each store,
and can hear Santa as he quietly makes his way out of the mall
for his once a year trip around the globe.
Yesterday is gone and took away its tale.
Today we must live a fresh story again.
Rumi ♥

Thursday, December 22, 2011

the Light

“ finding the crack of light,
she pried her fingers in its edges.
pulling the darkness back
with all her strength,
the ocean of light poured forth.
weeping tears of gratitude,
she felt the Light flood over her. ”

~terri st. cloud

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The day I’ve died, my pall is moving on -
But do not think my heart is still on earth!
Don’t weep and pity me: "Oh woe, how awful!"
You fall in devil’s snare - woe, that is awful!
Don’t cry "Woe, parted!" at my burial -
For me this is the time of joyful meeting!
Don’t say "Farewell!" when I’m put in the grave -
A curtain is it for eternal bliss.
You saw "descending" - now look at the rising!
Is setting dangerous for sun and moon?
To you it looks like setting, but it’s rising;
The coffin seems a jail, yet it means freedom.
Which seed fell in the earth that did not grow there?
Why do you doubt the fate of human seed?
What bucket came not filled from out the cistern?
Why should the Yusaf "Soul" then fear this well?
Close here your mouth and open it on that side.
So that your hymns may sound in Where- no-place!

♥♥ Rumi ♥♥

Sunday, December 11, 2011

In previous years (not last year but previous to that) today would have been a day (the last chance day of the season) for us to excitedly bundle up and head up I70 for the Christmas Market in Georgetown. The day would have been filled with Christmas. Carolers, Father Christmas, a couple of Santa's unnamed Reindeer would be there, the big tree standing tall in the middle of town. We would be cold as we wandered along Main Street but not too cold to enjoy eating a piping hot (?) Bratwurst next to the fire in the square while getting smoke in our eyes. We would have stood in line outside of the Scandinavian store waiting to get in where we would be shoulder to shoulder with the others who could not stay away. Maybe we would find a small treasure that had to be taken home to be wrapped up and placed under the tree. We would have crowded in to the bookstore to see what new bits of ephemera from days past they had accumulated since the last time we were there. Maybe we would have bought some of the best Farmers Cheese ever, or bought nothing. We would have gone into the rock shop and at some point during the day we would have once again mourned the loss of the Red Ram and its readily accessible bathrooms.

None of that for me this year. Maybe next season I'll be up to making the trip up the mountain to cherish my old memories and make some new ones. Maybe someday the trip will be a kind of touchstone for me. Not yet though. This year Christmas with all its trimmings seems surreal and something I'm not much interested in participating in. I don't want to shop; I don't want to think about addressing cards, let alone wishing a 'Merry Christmas' in each one; I don't want to make the ritual trip to Aurora to find the perfect, and I do mean perfect, Grand Fir let alone decorate it; I don't want to wrap gifts and find the exact right ribbon and bow for each one; nor do I want to feel like I need to come up with a list, a wishlist of various things I want in my life. I don't feel up having a Jolly Holly Holiday. I don't feel like Scrooge. I have no desire to take the Jolly Holly Holiday spirit from anyone else. But I don't want to feel obligated to be there either.

Last year we postponed our Christmas Day for a week. We celebrated Christmas on New Years Day. It was a bit surreal to be eating Christmas dinner and suddenly remember that it was a New Year. But it was just what we needed. This year I could see postponing Christmas until, oh say, May?

Yes, May would be fine, just fine...

But most importantly this has to be alright. It just has to be. One baby step at a time. And if not for others, for me. I am giving myself permission to not feel like I need to be in the Holiday Spirit. No Shame. No Pressure. Nothing but permission to be where I am. Even on days that I feel clueless as to where I am or what I'm feeling, I give myself permission to be right there for as long as I need to be. As long as I need to be. And permission to gently walk away from those who want to pull me (or push me) to be somewhere that I'm not to ease their pain. This applies to all areas of my life, all situations & people, not just the Holidays.

It feels so good to officially give myself permission to be right where I am. To be where ever I am on the 'mood' scale, on the 'weeping' scale, on the 'I'm not going to get involved in your drama, your story' scale, on the 'I need time alone' scale, on the 'I can't listen to what you're saying any more' scale.
All of it. All of it. All of it.
I get to pull back when I'm feeling pressure from someone or something be it perceived or real.

Self care. Today Self Care is Job 1...

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Today I am achingly missing my biggest fan.

My biggest fan of me, of my art, of my life, of life period...

I miss His 'eye' and His eyes, His input, His point of view,
His encouragement, His love, His light, His touch, His smile,
His thoughtfulness, His pull to all things deeper and more expansive,
His 'Never Stop' attitude.

Him. I miss all things Him.

This ache is so deeply all encompassing that words have no place there.

All the love in your past -- the love you gave others and the love others gave you-- was real and cannot be threatened. It is eternally yours.
On the contrary, any lovelessness in your past was unreal and therefore does not exist.
It has no permanent effect except that which you give it.

"Give me your past so I can change your mind about it for you." -- A Course in Miracles

Friday, December 9, 2011

Before you learned to speak,
you loved with no effort;
you forgave with no effort.
It was natural to love;
it was natural to forgive.

don Miguel Ruiz

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Be melting snow.
Wash yourself of yourself.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

‎My Heart is so small that it's almost invisible.
How can you place such big sorrows in it?

'Look,' He answered, 'your Eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.'


Monday, December 5, 2011

First let me say

that I am loving the daily quotes I'm receiving from Terry St.Cloud
over at Bone Sigh Arts,

It is almost as if she is reading my mail and sending these to me.
But what I really get is that I am not alone in my struggles.

I know there are those close to me who are going though what I'm going through.
But the quotes I receive from Bone Sigh Arts tell me there are many out there in a similar place. Our struggles and pain may be coming from different points of origin but there are many, like me, who are struggling to keep their head above water as I am.

With that here is the quote I received today from Terri St.Cloud at
I'll bet some of those close to me can relate to it
and will really understand how this hits home for me.

for amy

“ alone and shaking,
she wondered how she'd get thru.
the doubts surrounding her, keeping
her awake.
and then she remembered.
it's all a ride, a journey, a dream.
the twists and turns of which she
couldn't even fathom.
she closed her eyes and rested.
she'd travel where she must.
never knowing where she was going...
but knowing it was a ride worth taking. ”

~terri st. cloud

brought to you by bone sigh arts -

Thank you Terri...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I will find new meaning in every joy and sorrow
In that silence, I will hear the voice of spirit,
and freed from this world, I will see another world
where the end is another beginning.

Rumi ♥

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along.


Friday, December 2, 2011

journey of tears

sometimes it's a journey of tears.
and sometimes she'd forget and block them.
but never for too long.
as they had a will of their own.
and then they'd flow.
and she'd feel relief.
and she'd remember again
that sometimes it's a journey of tears.

terri st. cloud

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Carol's Light (masculine)

tears flowing, face scrunched in pain,
i ask out loud 'what would he say now?'
the answer whispers inside me,
'i haven't left you. i'm in your heart.
feel me loving you. that hasn't stopped.
listen for me when you need me –
and remember i am part of you.'
placing my hand on my heart,
i closed my eyes and felt him.

terri st. cloud

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Your body is away from me
But there is a window open
from my heart to Yours.
From this window, like the moon
I keep sending news secretly.

Rumi ♥

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Imagine, Wish, Dream, Believe.

Believe always.
    There's no reason not to!
(after all you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant)